Partnership in marriage

Having celebrated my marriage anniversary last week, I was hit by the realization that I have been married for almost half of my life. Having crossed the “Tipping Point” this year, I would henceforth be a married man for a longer duration than the years I have been a bachelor. This insight might cause sobriety for some folks, but to me it was a commemoration of the years that we have enjoyed life together. This week’s article therefore focuses on relationships & what has made our particular relationship tick during all the years spent together. Mind you I am not advocating that each of these elements work for everyone, but there are some points which definitely form the bedrock of a stable relationship. Some of the points enunciated below were achieved due to a conscious decision on our part, while others were a result of fortuitous circumstances.

Acceptance of the person for what he/she is rather than what we would like the person to be. It is very easy to forget that one actually make a choice when one gets married. Some of you may have delegated this decision to your parents or family, but that is also a choice made by you in trusting their judgment. Whichever way you make a choice, it is very important that you accept the person for his/her individuality. The biggest mistake that one makes is to start comparing one’s spouse to a chimera in our mind about an ideal wife, husband, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, mother, father etc. So one ignores the good qualities which the person actually possesses & start focusing on the apparent gap between this image in the mind & the person in one’s life. We were fortunate that we had the opportunity to know each other many years before our own marriage & it gave us ample time to take a decision that we would spend the rest of our lives together. Therefore there were no unpleasant surprises subsequently. There will always be temptations to selectively compare specific attributes too, but in the end one has to keep the total package in mind as that is what one gets.

Acceptance is a good starting point, but there needs to be healthy respect for the other person too. This is manifested in the way we seek the other’s opinion in relevant decisions which impact the family & respect the perspective available. This leads to an involvement in the relationship & sharing of the responsibility for making things work. Many relationships are currently based on a feeling of resignation on many issues, which leads to lower levels of commitment. We always consulted each other on all important matters & ensured that the other person was aligned to the critical decisions being taken. This is not just about how pushy one person can become & override any objections or issues raised, but based on a healthy approach to what makes sense for us as a family & the pros / cons of the decision. In all due fairness, there have been situations where we have agreed to disagree, but these were insignificant & few. Ultimately it is all about how one creates a joint ego, rather than nurse individual egos all the time.

One more key for us was that we were in this for the Long Term. It’s only when one approaches marriage as an option with very high exit barriers, that one starts investing in the relationship for the longer run. We have seen many young couples who seem to think that this is an experiment or something which they were sampling. If it did not work out, divorce is conveniently available. I do not advocate staying trapped in a bad marriage, but also feel that most young couples today do not put in the required effort to make it work. If you had to invest your entire savings into a house & knew that you could not sell the house for the next 10 years, you would do 2 things. Firstly you would evaluate the proposal from every angle before committing yourself & secondly you would work hard to make the house cozy, warm & livable so that you could enjoy your stay there for a long time. A marriage is not a house & certainly the complexities of a relationship are far too higher, but the fundamental concept still is the same. Since we had taken a decision to spend our lives together, it was equally important for both of us to make this work. In the process both of us had to work on the quirks in our personalities, develop the sensitivity required & re-examine what we were doing or not doing to make the marriage successful. The selfish way of staying focused only on what you need is the surest way to develop rifts with your spouse.

Supporting each other’s growth is the next important bedrock of our relationship. The previous 3 points are important, but it is equally important that both of the individuals develop or grow further and this is actively supported / facilitated by the other spouse. Work-Life balance is always important, but there are many occasions when the work pressure overwhelms & it is only a supportive spouse who can help the individual regain the balance. This obviously does not mean that the other person takes advantage of this support & assumes that it will be available forever. Jyoti has always provided support to me in the convoluted process of personal growth & has juggled between multiple cities, numerous houses, new schools, different neighbors & domestic help to ensure that I was able grow personally & professionally. Any other person would have thrown in the towel in despair or just adjusted to a “long distance marriage”. In a related fashion, I have also made my own efforts to help Jyoti grow in her own path of evolution. This collective effort makes both of us so very different people today than what we started off as & the best part is that we have grown together.

The last point which I want to highlight is also the need to create some shared time between your spouse & you. This personal time should be something available between both of you on a frequent basis (preferably once a day). It might consist of a walk together during the day, tea time or post dinner conversation. Obviously doing this by dividing your attention between the newspaper or television is not a good idea. We have established a routine where we go for a 45 mins walk together every day in the morning. We manage to do this for at least 5 days every week & it provides us the opportunity to share our thoughts and align each other to key issues.

So folks, this is all for now – not exactly the elixir for long lasting relationships, but just some of the foundations on which one needs to pile up intentions & actions to make a successful life partnership.